In Loving Memory of Michael E. Bush
July 9, 2002

Broken and Sore


Lord please not again today, I am so sick of everything taking place in our lives. I am tired of people using our home for a flop house as they come for free meals, another little favor, their drinking, their drugs, bringing their friends who are trouble makers and come straight out of hell. I am tired of them walking in and stealing from us and I am sick of their never ending lies. I am sick of these so called do gooders terrorizing this family. I am tired of being the good guy set up to take someone elses fall.

Lord its one thing to have someone stay with you, but when a man walks out of his bedroom dressed as a woman pointing a gun at me and threatening my children~ something has to be done and quick, if not, I could loose my mind completely.

Lord I just cant take much more! Im trying to please everyone and I cant. I am caught in the middle of a silent feud taking place, a feud that is meant for total destruction of my husband and children in order to make me play their (my siblings) deadly games. But I just dont think I can take much more of these tactics in our lives.

Lord just today, a sister-in-law called and had all of our utilities turned off, and now we have to go through the weekend with out lights, gas, water or phone service. I beg of you Lord, please allow all of our services to be turned back on tonight if not my family and I can be in for a terrifying weekend. As you know Lord when the lights go out, the prowling starts and the un-nerving silent phone calls.

Lord the fighting and the control is so far out of control I dont know what to do. Nothing I do is working, and now my husband and I are fighting in secret most of the time, our quite, gentle lives are now in the grips of Satan himself and his evil workers.

Lord why did my brother have to get involved in witchcraft and all of his other evil deeds. Lord I didnt back down from him when he wanted to test the powers of our different gods. I held my ground even though his threats were terrifying, I still held my grounds and later I found myself coming up against every demon that could be sent our way and it seemed as if I always walked away in defeat. Now I cant handle these things much longer, I feel as if I am loosing control of my mind, my spirit and I can even see my faith is wavering back and forth as I want to reach out in revenge, Lord what do I do?

The days that followed became worse, the terror rose to higher peaks, and my newly diagnosed depression grew worse each and every day, yet no one seemed to care and the evil deeds against this family increased to a new level.

Then my husband started coming home later and later demanding I do something about my sibling and their friends, yet he knew I tried and could do nothing with a one of them. When I did become angry I became the bad guy in everyones eyes; including my husbands, so much so that he ask for a divorce if I couldnt stop the madness that was penetrating our lives like a cancer that eats and eats away at you, killing you bit by bit.

It seems as if my prayers went unanswered, my cries to the Lord were un-heard, I felt so alone and afraid of what our futures held that my plan went into action even though it was one of the most precious times in my life. Our youngest son and his future wife were to have our first grandchild and it thrilled me, but what kind of a life would this un-born child have in this evil family of mine, in fact, what chance did any of us have?

Believe me, even though I went to church and claimed to be a Christian it was never an easy task. I would go to church and be worried sick that a fight would break out and I wouldnt be there to stop it and someone would end up injured badly, in jail or dead. I found that I was so torn now between my Lord and his strength that I eventually decided to take the problem into my own hands in order to stop the pain as I had never felt weaker before in my life. It seemed as if my world, our world had turned upside down over night. I couldnt take the gripping fear that was digging its way into my heart, my spirit was sad and cried in silence most of the time. I was being destroyed from the inside out and all people could do was add to my horror day in and day out. Those I thought I could trust, and those that I loved was bringing more pain by the minute and they knew it. It hurt more and more as I watched in horror those that I loved play me for a fool; not caring that I had feelings as they gave me another dirty word or evil deed.

At long last I had ushered the last party go-err out of the house. My tears begin to flow again, this time as if I had just came in out of the rain. I went and took a shower, dressed in my night clothes, walked through the house to make sure all of the doors and windows were locked and then I returned to my bedroom where my husband who had went to bed angry was now fast asleep. I also knew that my youngest son and his girl was also asleep as I could hear their snores coming from their room.

I sit down on my bed, looked around my bedroom and all I could see was more gloom and doom with no hopes of things getting better for a one of us. I hated the thought that my husband could only bellow out his orders and respond to my every word with an attitude of his own. I felt so torn, so alone, that I simply couldnt take it one more day. As I thought about everything I could even see that the Lord didnt care for me anymore and that made my life seem totally hopeless now. As my tears flowed now like a river, I reached over to my night stand and took my 38 Smith and Wesson along with my speed-loaders out of the drawer. Sitting there I loaded my gun, and un-loaded it, then I just played with my gun and speed-loaders as my mind seemed to drift away, yet, I could hear a baby crying. Knowing I couldnt do a single thing until everyone in the house was asleep to keep from arguing with anyone else I sit in silence. But that baby, that baby continued to cry, and cry, louder and louder, I thought why doesnt the kids wake up and take care of that baby, dont they know I want to get this over with. I remember thinking, I dont want my kids to grow up in this mess any longer and I cant handle another threat or another outburst of any kind, so I convinced myself I was acting rationally.

But that baby, that baby simply would not stop that crying; and somewhere in the midst of it all, something happened.

It is very hard to explain, but I will try. I could no longer hear the baby crying, it seemed as if a Holy Presence was now in my midst and I heard myself talking to Jesus. I was saying, God, Ive always heard that you were real and that you have given everyone a guardian angel to watch over them and if this is true, then this is what I want. My tears, my tears flowed harder, I knew in my heart I wasnt to test God, but I couldnt stop myself as I continued saying, This is what I want, I want you to send me my guardian angel in the flesh and I want to be as mean as I can be to him, and him still love me and not call me any mean names. I want to hurt him, abuse him anyway I can and him still love me no matter what I do. I want him to protect me and for him to be with me in good times and bad, I want him to be with me at all times, so that I know that I matter to someone in this world----- the rest of the conversation is between the Lord and me as it was agreed.

Sometime during the night, I fell asleep, sleeping like a new born baby. When I awoke, my husband was gone to work and the kids were still sleeping. I thought about the night before and everything that took place, was it real or did I dream it. I went to check on my gun and my speed loaders, but where were they?

At long last the kids got up and I eventually ask them if they had been baby sitting, my son said, No Mother why? Because I heard a baby crying, and the cries were coming from your room. Mother there was just the two of us and Im sure the baby in Punks tummy wasnt heard. So what did I hear? I know it was a baby, a babys cry came from there room, I know it did thats why I couldnt shoot anyone and thats why we are all still here this morning. So where is the baby at? Whose baby did I hear crying?

For the next two or three days I moped around the house, not caring who came or who went, I simply didnt care anymore. On the third day though Danny had went to town and when he came back he brought our long lost friend Michael back with him. At first I thought oh no, this is just what we need. But if you knew Mike, then you would know whenever he knew someone was down hed do everything he was big enough to do in order to make them laugh and that is exactly what he did. This was especially nice to know that after ten years he could still lighten the air in a room.

Danny and I both ask him how he found us? After all we had lost contact years before hand as they moved to Florida from California. Plus we ask him why he hadnt called and let us know he was coming, and he said, I didnt know I was headed this way until a few days ago. Well what made you want to look us up? I dont know, I just had a wild hair and here I am. Still I thought nothing of my talk I had with the Lord, two or three nights prior to this long lost visitor showing up out of the blue.

Our routine remained the same pretty much, I moped around the house waiting for my guardian angel to show up at the door and rescue me, but he didnt. So, I became grumpy with Mike since he was there with me all of the time. Whenever Id go to do the laundry, clean house, yard work whatever, Mike was there to do it for me saying, Here Ill do it, you need to get some rest now. My goodness that would make me mad, I knew when I needed to rest, I didnt need some man telling me to rest while he did my work for me as I sit around the house all day doing nothing.

Even though I attended a business college Mike would go with me and sit in the car all day long, just waiting for me. At lunch time he would have my lunch waiting for me in the car or on the lawn under a shade tree. I never had to carry my books to the my class room, Mike did. The same when school was out for the day, Mike would be waiting outside the doors to carry my books to the car then open my door and help me in. If it was cold, the car was warm, if it was hot, the car was running with the air-conditioner on, my comfort and well being was his top priority and I simply couldnt see it---I was to busy moping about waiting for my guardian to come in the flesh to rescue me from all of this madness taking place in my life.

I became hateful, spiteful and a all around B-----, and that is putting it mildly. I became as bad if not worse then my siblings and their friends to this long lost friend who had wondered in out of the blue.

I just couldnt take the goodness at all, I wondered what his game plan was, and what motive could he have by being so kind to me. If an argument broke out, Mike stopped it; sending everyone home immediately.

I would become angry with him, for playing the man of the house and in my anger I would flop down in my chair and it never failed Mike would always come along, kiss me on top of my head and tell me that he loved me and that everything would be okay.

Still my depression grew worse as I waited for the Lord to send my guardian angel in the flesh. In my weak moment I thought I was at last alone and I put my sick plan into motion again. This time though I figured I would drive to the over-pass and drive off the bridge onto the freeway below; but as I started the car, who showed up? Mike did and he wouldnt allow me to move the car without him, its as if I just fell under some sort of a spell so to speak, I did what he told me to do after a few ill spoken words on my behalf. I unlocked the car door and let him in and we drove to the store down the street where I fumed about this invasion of my privacy. I ask myself over and over again, why doesnt he go with the guys? why doesnt he get a job? Why is he always tagging along with me? To think he interfered with my life again, this man always seemed to come to my rescue over and over again and never once did he ever pay attention to my anger or violent out breaks directed towards him and never once did he ask for an apology.

Then one morning as I walked down our long hallway, I knew, I knew Michael was my guardian angel and Danny agreed with me even though Michael thought we had both lost our minds, we both knew differently now.

But unfortunately instead of bringing joy into my life, I became angrier at him. If he cooked, I threw the food out. If he cleaned house, I would go behind him and tear everything up, whatever he did good, I reversed it with my anger~yet he never yelled at me, he never showed one bit of anger towards me, only his love. A love that wasnt physical, but love that was deeper, it was like a river of love flowed from him like a stream of water flowing over the rocks and into every little nook and cranny, a love that was pure and innocent, it is a love that could of only came from the Lord above.

Mike stayed with us for two years and I could of never made it through my Mothers illness, my husbands illness, plus loosing everything we owned without the Lords permission of me having my guardian angel in the flesh as I my struggles became unbearable and I needed hands on help. I needed to hear the words of encouragement and the words of victory. I needed the words that helped me care whether I lived or died. I needed a friend, not someone who used me, put me down, treated me as a fool, but a friend that who could and would love me, simply because I was plain ole me.

Then that day came when Michael was leaving, he was heading back to Florida to check on his family and friends. It was a tearful day, but a day that was filled with promises, promises that were kept on Mikes behalf.

Mike ended up living with an caring for an elderly man who was terminally ill until he past on. Then Michael was on his way to care for someone else and eventually his ex-wife who was also very ill and needed someone to care for her special needs as she too was terminally ill and would also pass on in a couple two or three years---plus being with me in the midst of my crisis again.

Friends Mike was with me through all of my crisis in life, he came and went as the Lord directed his paths. When I think back to the Viet Nam era, I think about how Mike was always there for me as my husband served with the armed forces. Not realizing it, but I counted on Mike in ways that I cant even say. The love we had for each other, was respect, trust, loyalty and a love that could of only came from the Lord above.

Anyone who knew Mike as a human, never saw his true mission in life~All anyone else could ever see what a troublemaking guy coming for a visit.

I know with all of my heart that we serve a living God and that he does send us the angels we need to help get us through our trying times and that he, himself is right here over seeing the angels work and giving us a flow of inner strength so that his love will overcome the evilness in our lives.

I also know that anyone who has committed murder was given a chance to turn to God before they made their final choice to take another persons life. How do I know this, because the Lord wouldnt only spare my life and others as he intervened in my life that near fatal night. No, no, I believe with all of my heart the Lord gives us a choice of doing whats right or whats wrong in the midst of a crisis. We either turn to the Lord with a sincere heart or we choose to walk the path Satan walks because the choice is ours for ever more.

Romans 10:13 says, Whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord, shall be saved.

He always gives us a choice before we make that fatal mistake of taking another persons life.

I give all the praise and glory to the Lord who used my unborn grandson little cries to keep me in line a little longer that night in order for me to stand before the Lord one more time; to make the choice between eternal life or eternal death that critical night in my life.